Alan Shore (James Spader)
Alan Shore:
This is Alan Shore.
If you're a criminal please state your name and
the nature of your crime at the sound of the tone.
Sally: Is that fair?
Alan Shore: I don't understand the question.
Alan Shore:
Let me tell you two things about myself.
I too am a lawyer, I can be terribly vindictive, and I do not play fair.
Lester Tremont: That's three things.
Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already.
Alan Shore:
Here’s the thing about me.
I am a hoot.
But I insist on putting adversary back into the system.
And I do it openly and notoriously for all to hear.
Alan Shore:
You have a job to do, and so do I.
Yours is to sell socks and suspenders.
Mine is to cross examine people like you and crush them.
Alan Shore:
Hate to extort and run but I'm afraid I'm going to need an answer on this now.
Alan Shore:
Hello big people, gee you are a strapping fellow.
Here's 300 dollars, would you be so kind as to hit that man down there?
Alan Shore: I'm a man of principles.. or not.. depends really on the situation..
Alan Shore:
My filing system isn't that difficult.
I throw everything out.
----- Alan Shore with the judges -----
Judge:
Mr. Shore, while you are a gifted attorney,
you bring embarrassment and shame to the legal community.
Alan Shore : You're very kind, sir.
-> Mr. Shore how do you plead.
Alan Shore: Not guilty by reason of the district attorney's insanity.
-> That's not a real plea!
Alan Shore: Not guilty then.
Alan Shore: I am sorry your honour, this woman is clearly a Jew
Judge: You object to her being Jewish!?
Alan Shore: I'm sure somebody here must!
Alan Shore:
Your Honor, at this time I move for a directed finding of Not Guilty.
The prosecution's failed to meet it's burden of proof, and
Judge Clark Brown: Denied!
Alan Shore:
Okay.
I move to remove you on the grounds of horrible judging.
There's a pattern of it, actually.
Judge Fuller: have you lost your mind?
Alan Shore:
More times than I care to mention, judge.
And it seems like each time with a different woman.
Are you free for lunch?
Judge Fuller:
Mr. Shore,
it would be not be wise to make sexual advances,
I tend to accept them.
Could we turn to the case?
Alan Shore:
I've completely forgotten what it's about.
Your honor, perhaps you could refresh me? over lunch?
----- Alan Shore relationship with Denny Crane -----
Denny:
Ohh, I wish you and I were getting married. That's you and I.
Both of us.To others.
I'm not gay.
Alan Shore: I understood you the first Freudian slip.
Denny: She dumped you?
Alan Shore: Well, I think we're looking for different things.
Denny: What are you looking for? A serious relationship?
Alan Shore: Don't be silly. I'm already involved with you.
Denny: You're damn right.
Denny Crane: My balls hurt.
Alan Shore: Let's have that be the first and last time you ever tell me that.
----- Alan Shore with the partners -----
Edwin Poole (enters not wearing any pants): Sorry I'm late good people.
Alan Shore: Is it causal Monday?
Paul Lewiston: There's no opportunity to plead this out?
Alan Shore:
Only if I plead guilty which is, of course, unacceptable.
I have to worry about a three strikes law since I plan to commit future crimes.
Alan Shore (to Paul):
There's a legal term for this.
Oh, yes! Uuh...
Alan Shore:
I'm giving notice, I believe two weeks is standard.
Now step aside Paul before I push you to the ground and go to the bathroom on you.
Brad Chase: Uh, I think that's my seat.
Alan Shore:
Yes, I did see someone's things here.
I moved them to a less desirable location.
[Brad gives him a smirky stare.]
Alan Shore:
I'm sorry.
We're not territorial about that sort of thing around here, are we?
Brad: I out rank you.
Alan Shore: And I'm such a slut for authority.
Alan Shore (to Brad): Do you do tongue push-ups?
Alan Shore:
Hey Brad!Altogether now!
Everyone in the room: "LESBIANS!!
Brad Chase: Feel free to mock me all you want but don't you dare ridicule our troops.
Alan Shore: Just so I'm clear, I should feel free to mock you.
----- Alan Shore with ladies in office -----
Alan Shore:
I make all my female employees sign sexual harassment waivers,
especially the pretty ones.
Shirley:
I don't think that document would hold up in court but, regardless,
that kind of behavior isn't tolerated at Crane, Poole, and Schmidt.
Alan Shore: Which... kind of behavior? Specifically.
Shirley: I think you're smart enough to sense where the line is, council.
Alan Shore: I'm never sure until I cross it.
Shirley:
She is a subordinate, there is a disparity of power,
you will refrain from any sexual advances: verbal or otherwise.
Alan Shore:
Shirley... what about senior partners?
There would be nothing wrong with me lusting, say,
after you, would there?
Shirley:
Go subscribe to National Geographic.
Make a list of all the places you'll never get to visit.
Add to that list: Schmidt.
Alan Shore (to Lori): You disapprove of me. That warms my cockles.
Sally: I will beat you one day.
Alan Shore: I'd rather be flogged
----- Alan Shore with the District Attorney (DA), ADA & Police -----
Alan Shore:
Actually, I prefer to be called Shirley.
It gives me a tickle.
Alan Shore: Request bail.
A.D.A Christopher Palmer: Bail? Are you kidding?
Alan Shore: This is my kidding face.
*flashes a silly smile*
Alan Shore:
This is my mean it face.
Watch again.
Request bail.
Police Man: Did anybody just come in here?
Alan Shore: Is he a criminal?
Police Man: He's a homicide suspect.
Alan Shore:
Homicide! My God!
Do you know what you've done?
We represent murderers here!
It's quite possible the man you speak of came into this building to hire us.
With the six of you?
Guns out?
Now he'll never come in.
Bad policeman, very bad!
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